Blog #4 Feeling Inadequate at Times... The Lie

So I haven't been doing too hot, in my mind. The first exam I felt good about when I walked out the door, but the grade I got brought me a little bit of reality--I barely passed. Not a good feeling. Then I nearly kill a woman in the first week of clinicals by helping her aspirate her yogurt. It's a horrible feeling to know that I'm called to nursing, but even at my best I might just add to their pain or discomfort. And at the beginning of the year I strongly felt as if God wanted me to quit my job and it was confirmed by my disciplers so I stopped working. Now I have no income and they posted some late charges to my account so I'm scrambling to pay for that. A little bit more discouragement comes from finances. The stage four pressure ulcer and constant smell of incontinence drives me crazy and I don't know if I can get used to it. These are some of the things I face as I think about all the things I can't overcome.
But just as the lies are coming into my mind, some successes and a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel shines on me. I'm praying and asking for encouragement on a regular basis. And it comes in the form of a great second exam. I walked across the hall to check the answer key and realized I just rocked a test. The next week at clinicals I find out that every meal, for the woman I feel like I failed, is as bad if not worse than the one I had and that she actually threw up on someone the next meal. As far as finances go, I still don't know for sure, but it looks like there are opportunities opening up. Either way I know that if it's God's will then it's God's bill and He'll provide for what He orders.
But the whole point is that I've been facing some obstacles that would normally discourage me enough to giving up, but there's almost something right in front of my face that the Lord's put there to spur me on. It's like there's a carrot dangled in front of me keeping my eyes from looking all the way to the finish line and getting discouraged at the distance. That one point of grace to pass a test with flying colors, or do well with a difficult patient, or have someone tell me it will be ok is what it's going to take in order to succeed one day at a time in this race laid out before me. As long as we don't turn our eyes to the left or the right and get distracted by everything else we'll be ok. As long as we don't look all the way to the finish line, but rather keep our heads down and watch where our feet are going to fall, we're going to reach it in time.
With Christ we are more than just runners in this race. He's helped me to feel like I'm not in last place. And if I can listen for His voice and keep seeing that carrot, reaching for that carrot, and giving everything I can to keeping my feet moving then I'll find myself succeeding in this educational endeavor. In time I might even start to see that He's the carrot and this whole experience in school in just making me run after Him a little bit harder.